My husband is amazing. I truly wish that everyone could have someone like my husband in their lives. He believes in me when I can’t even believe in me.
I have been jobless and out of school for a year now. On purpose. My husband told me to quit my job over a year ago and when school got to annoying and I didn’t want to do it any more, he told me to quit that too. The reason? To write my heart out!
My full time writing experience started off really slow. How does one force themselves to work when there is no boss looking over their shoulder to make them? How does one balance the chores and writing? How does one not feel guilty all the time for making no money? I was writing a little bit, but I began to feel depressed, and not in the ooooo-this-will-fuel-my-writing type way. I also suffer from insomnia and it only gets worse when I am depressed/anxious/excited/you-name-it.
April’s Camp NaNoWriMo got me back on track for writing again (Although I didn’t even come close to reaching my goal), but again, after the month was nearly over, I began to feel like shit again. I had not yet finished a first draft, the chores were falling behind and I thought my stories sucked. By mid-summer, my husband had really begun to notice my lack of motivation (I had been trying really hard to hide it) and when he brought it up, I broke down. I told him I should just give up. That I should start looking for a job. That I would never finish anything at this rate. And he told me to calm the fuck down.
And I did. I put aside the depressing story I had been working on (dark fantasy isn’t the best thing to be writing when you are trying to stop being depressed…) and went back to another story I had already started. But, instead of continuing where I had left off, I began to edit my unfinished first draft. Oooooh dear. Every voice in my head that said my writing was crap and I would never finish anything began to sneak back in. They got louder and louder. It was now October and I knew that NaNoWriMo was next month, so once again, I chucked my current story aside and decided to start fresh. This one would be better. I told my husband that I would win NaNoWriMo and my first draft would be finished by December 31st. (Spoiler alert: It isn’t finished. Not even close. With only three days to go until my ridiculously planned deadline.)
Half way through November, I just stopped writing. My nephew had been born with a heart-defect and gone through his first surgery and the detrimental part of recovery and I had made myself write through it all, but then, once I knew he would be alright and once I knew my sister-in-law, her husband, and my nephew would be coming home soon, all of my exhaustion and fear caught up to me. I couldn’t write at all. And I just let it happen. NaNoWriMo was a failure.
Then December began, and my husband did the thing that would make me excited to get back to writing. He told me to print off every incomplete first draft I had ever written (except those first few, you know the ones. The ones that will never again see the light of day). I started printing them off and he began to read them. He was excited and his excitement made me excited. We decided together which one I should finish first and he began to edit it.
He’ll be done editing it over the next few days, and then begins a new chapter of my full time writing adventure: Actually Finishing Something.
My advice for anyone struggling with their inner writing demons is to find someone in their life that will support them and their writing wholeheartedly. Someone who will read and review and edit, so that they will feel like their writing has worth. Because, spoiler alert, all writing has worth.